So, I have been thinking about my education lately. As you may be aware I did a Foundation Year at Hull University in Computer Science, but things got in the way of that (my mentalism, moving in with Danni, etc). That was 3 academic years ago now and I haven’t done anything at all in the way of education since. This is also for a variety of reasons, but mainly due to two: the amount of care Danni needs and the fact that I require too much support to be able to do it alone.

Danni has been the worst she has been for a while. She lost control of her limbs totally last night and needed to be carried up the stairs and into the flat. I had to do this alone as there was no-one else to do it. My role as a carer is taking more and more responsibility, and of course this means I need to spend more and more time doing it. This means I would have even less time to pursue education. This is an issue, since the caring has led to me missing 2 years already and is about to make me miss a third.

The support thing is still something I am coming to terms with. I was described as bright (if a little lazy with homework and lacking in organisation) at school. When I was in Year 7 the school management was saying how I was a sure University student down the line. Yet here I am, stagnating and needing a push to get back onto the education ladder. How did this happen? Just how did I come to be so behind my peers, who have now completed their degrees and in some cases Masters.

The answer is actually remarkably simple: I didn’t realise how much support I actually need. I attempted to go it alone, as I always have. It served me well up until my GCSEs, then my grades started slipping. I was warned it would happen if I didn’t get homework and coursework in, yet I thought I was just being a bit lazy and not doing it because I couldn’t be bothered. Those thoughts are still there, but I am sure that if I had someone there to support me I wouldn’t have had as many issues with school and Sixth Form.

So I came out of Sixth Form with 2 full A Levels, one of them in General Studies which doesn’t really count. What did I do when I applied to Uni? Claimed it was stress. I didn’t have a damn clue why I didn’t do my work at Sixth Form, but I had to fob off the interviewer somehow. So, stress it was. No support was asked for, and I barely passed the foundation year in a subject which is, by far, my strongest.

Oops, I’m rambling off topic. Where was I? Yes, support. So, given support I reckon I could have a fair crack at Uni again once I’ve eased back into education. So, how do I ease back in? Step back a level. Easier said than done. I inquired about doing A Level Maths. The response was that I was too old. The college obviously doesn’t want the business…

So I’m stuck again. I am left with one choice, really: Open University. This would, obviously, require support (which I don’t have) and more structure than I can reasonably ask for in a day. Looking after Danni is hard work, yanno? One hurdle after another, I just can’t win.

The reason for the requiring support was alien to me until Danni explained it. She told me that she has noticed I seem to have issues with Executive Functioning. It doesn’t just affect education in my case, but seemingly all parts of my life. Housework, education, going to the shops…you name it, I have trouble motivating myself to do it. And then comes the anxiety that I get around doing things that I cannot see a logical process for. These things that I should find easy, like tidying the living room or deciding what I want to eat are incredibly difficult. This, of course, applies to education too, so starting on work is difficult. I get sidetracked and find it hard to start. However, when I get into it, there is no stopping me.

So, a couple of things need to happen for me to seriously consider going back into education. I will need proper support, whether it be from a mentor from the place of education or a support worker from outside it. I will need help for my caring role with Danni being the worst she has been in a while (more help than I am getting now, yeah, good luck with that). I will need time. Time to get myself back into gear and into an education mindset, so maybe a part time course would be better than a full time one. And, most of all, really, I need to get my autism assessment sorted (still no word on that, by the way) so I can more reliably explain what my needs are to people who do not believe that someone without a diagnosis can have the issues I do.

So, a rambly post on education. I hope you could make more sense of it than I could. Sheesh, my writing is getting worse and worse these days.

I know, I know, I’m getting boring with the post titles. It’s relevant, though. That’s what matters!

So, as I mentioned in the previous post I’ve been having a few issues with my head over the past months. Well, it seems as though the depression has indeed left the building, only to be replaced by rather nasty anxiety. The pregabalin I am prescribed is having less and less of an effect on it and I’m getting – well, got to – the point where it’s making my life a lot more difficult than it would otherwise be. It’s making me less able to deal with emotions (I’ve basically lost it several times over the past month), Leaving the flat is difficult at best, impossible at worst and it’s putting a strain on things between me and Danni. All this and I’m petrified of seeing the doctor to discuss anything, since that involves talking to someone with no script.

That said, it’s not the first time my anxiety has been this bad. It’s the first time that I can’t identify a trigger, but it’s not the first time I’ve been this bad. I have had a telephone assessment with the community mental health team to see what they can do to help. They decided that CBT would be a good idea in order to tackle the causes of the anxiety. Unfortunately, I’ve been through several referrals for various things (Depression, anxiety, autism assessment) but as of yet none of them have actually come through and offered any sort of real assessment or help. It’s now at the point where if I were to get an appointment I may not actually be able to make it, since my anxiety is making it harder and harder to leave the flat. I am able to, but it takes a lot out of me.

So I’m in a quandry at the moment, Anxiety is leaving me as unable to function as the depression was and as unlikely to reach out for help as the depression was. The difference is I want to get out of it.  This time, I feel like there’s a way out, I just need to wait for it. Waiting…Ugh, I don’t like that.